Like I have mentioned a few times in my postings, as I am undergoing this process I am understanding more about myself and what I have thought in the past, how I coped, and what sort of got me here.
Like many of you I suppose there is a part of me that doesn’t like me, it sounds cliche, but its true. I never really realized it was there, but its there… and it makes me feel worthless… insignificant… regardless of my true value.. that part does that. So I have two ways to cope with that sensation of worthlessness.. one is the acute, in which I use food to calm and soothe myself, regardless of how it impacts my health, my looks, or my wallet. (as well as adapt it as a mechanism to cope with stress in my life) The second strategy that I have employed is attaching myself to people who like me are insecure, self hating, and dying for someone to give them recognition, love… and in return… they do the same… Thats not to say that they aren’t great people. They have so much going for them, and I see it all! I realize how wonderful they honestly are. I know that these people have value beyond how good they can make me feel, but its true… Unfortunately these lovely people who have helped sustain me thus far are unstable… unreliable… and ultimately hurt themselves as well as me..and in a sense I hurt them as well. I do chase this because I need someone to make me feel valuable and important, why? because deep down inside I dont like me, I dont value me, and more importantly I dont change. If you dont like the color of your house, you paint it… if you dont like your car, you buy a new one….
I dont like me… and I dont change me…. so I have to find ways to do with what I have… this is why I am in this position. Never has it been clearer than the other day, when I was laying in here… absolutely NO will to do anything…. this is the me that doesn’t change… the me that is afraid that this change will bring nothing about… the self hating me is afraid of change, afraid of the possibility of failure, because I suppose my ego cannot handle this.
What have I gotten in exchange for my conformity? Heartbreak, pounds, and a sense of helplessness that comes with being a heavy person.
For anyone who isnt heavy, its tough to imagine…Its as if I have fallen into a pit of quicksand, and with every extra pound it gets me in deeper and deeper, more invisible to every person including myself… its hard to move, your legs rub together, your arms rub together… going upstairs is impossible. With every pound people around try to either ignore the fact that I am heavy, or have such disdain for it, that they refuse to talk to me.. refuse to date me… refuse to wave to me… refuse to be associated with me…. all the while I fall deeper and deeper into this quagmire, unable to move, slowly unable to breathe, and slowly lonelier and lonelier…
Without food, and without a current relationship… I see that both of these have been crutches, a means for me to avoid dealing with what is real, and the reality is.. I dont like who I am much… I never realized I was so self hating… but I am…. and as cliche as it is…. I have to paint the house… I gotta love myself….I must build upon myself rather than conform…
most importantly I must lose to win….. (to be continued)