My thoughts so far (expanded)

Like I have mentioned a few times in my postings, as I am undergoing this process I am understanding more about myself and what I have thought in the past, how I coped, and what sort of got me here.

 Like many of you I suppose there is a part of me that doesn’t like me, it sounds cliche, but its true. I never really realized it was there, but its there… and it makes me feel worthless… insignificant… regardless of my true value.. that part does that. So I have two ways to cope with that sensation of worthlessness.. one is the acute, in which I use food to calm and soothe myself, regardless of how it impacts my health, my looks, or my wallet. (as well as adapt it as a mechanism to cope with stress in my life)  The second strategy that I have employed is attaching myself to people who like me are insecure, self hating, and dying for someone to give them recognition, love… and in return… they do the same… Thats not to say that they aren’t great people. They have so much going for them, and I see it all! I realize how wonderful they honestly are. I know that these people have value beyond how good they can make me feel, but its true… Unfortunately these lovely people who have helped sustain me thus far are unstable… unreliable… and ultimately hurt themselves as well as me..and in a sense I hurt them as well.  I do chase this because I need someone to make me feel valuable and important, why? because deep down inside I dont like me, I dont value me, and more importantly I dont change. If you dont like the color of your house, you paint it… if you dont like your car, you buy a new one….

I dont like me… and I dont change me…. so I have to find ways to do with what I have… this is why I am in this position. Never has it been clearer than the other day, when I was laying in here… absolutely NO will to do anything…. this is the me that doesn’t change… the me that is afraid that this change will bring nothing about… the self hating me is afraid of change, afraid of the possibility of failure, because I suppose my ego cannot handle this.

What have I gotten in exchange for my conformity? Heartbreak, pounds, and a sense of helplessness that comes with being a heavy person.

For anyone who isnt heavy, its tough to imagine…Its as if I have fallen into a pit of quicksand, and with every extra pound it gets me in deeper and deeper, more invisible to every person including myself… its hard to move, your legs rub together, your arms rub together… going upstairs is impossible. With every pound people around try to either ignore the fact that I am heavy, or have such disdain for it, that they refuse to talk to me.. refuse to date me… refuse to wave to me… refuse to be associated with me…. all the while I fall deeper and deeper into this quagmire, unable to move, slowly unable to breathe, and slowly lonelier and lonelier…

Without food, and without a current relationship… I see that both of these have been crutches, a means for me to avoid dealing with what is real, and the reality is.. I dont like who I am much… I never realized I was so self hating… but I am…. and as cliche as it is…. I have to paint the house… I gotta love myself….I must build upon myself rather than conform…

most importantly I must lose to win….. (to be continued)


yogurt corn flakes and beef

Yogurt, cottage cheese and guavas

It seems as stress continues to mount and more and more people need to vent I let it take a bite out of my productivity. Today I didnt go to the gym (bad decision) had a fight with a friend over something I felt was common sense, then another fight with another friend over the first fight.. so I spent most of the day arguing with two people and my energy level was low, and my productivity even lower.

Today I ate a serving of banana strawberry yogurt (210 cal LB), a serving of a different brand cottage cheese (120 cal LB), and about 3 guavas (135 cal)  (was going to be 4 but the 4th was rotten). Then for dinner I had two cups of corn flakes (210 cal LB) with ground beef (783.36 cal), with a small serving of onions (35 cal) in an delicious experiment. Today’s total is: 1493.36.

Beef and corn flakes

My mental state as of late hasnt been great, I sort of depend on one of those friends that I had a fight with today for companionship. It seems that our fight just brought out all these issues that had to be dealt with over the rest of the day. Without my food to help calm me down, and with my roommates all with deadlines of their own I have been coping solo. I guess I never knew how much I relied on food for comfort, yet I sort of see how not going to the gym isnt helpful. The problem was that with stress, I seem to lose energy rather than to make the effort to go to the gym. The good thing was I still had the strength to stay within my caloric means, even tho it seemed very tempting. I keep wondering if I shouldnt institute a free meal or a free day. The thought scares me tho, because I am afraid I will go off the reservation and eat the my weight in ____________. I def need to institute a wake up then go to the gym policy, no matter how late I wake up.. it will help my energy… I will try it for a few days and see how it works.

Eggs watermelon Eggplant Beef

Egg in a basket, watermelon and cottage cheese

I spent the majority of the day contemplating the events of the previous, sleeping… was very tired.. but in the end after talking with a friend I came to various conclusions, which I think deserve a post all their own (outside of my daily post and will be posted eventually). I pumped myself up as best I could, and dusted myself off… and went to the gym, and knocked one out of the park.

Forgot to turn off the flash, got some nasty looks
in the gym, the total was 326

I started the day with cottage cheese (90 cal lb) and an egg in a basket (170 cal) along with a wedge of watermelon (86 cal). For dinner I had another severing of eggplant  (66 cal) with ground beef (which the label says is lean, but not what proportion of fat so I am assuming the LEAST amount of lean, 75% beef 25% fat) (908.66 cal), with a half a cup of white diced onions (80 cal), and topped off with a half a cup of Parmesan cheese (110 cal LB). I washed that all down with a glass of diluted grapefruit juice (100 cal). Today’s total was: 1610.66. I will say that I need to take some time to plan out my meals more elaborately, rather than wait until the last minute to eat, or not eat on time (which later makes me STARVED).

Grapefruit juice, Ground beef, Onions and egg plant
with Parmesan cheese on top

Mentally I am starting to see that without food to fall back into for comfort some of my problems are surfacing, which makes sense… since once you take away the crutch its hard to walk. I feel like I have thought it out a bit, and sort of made peace with myself about it. It was a long drawn out conversation that really made me think twice about something I read once in a fortune cookie: (I will post about this in much more elaborate detail later) Before you can love others you must love yourself. I think today I made took steps to love myself more.

Eggs cottage cheese and eggplant

Breakfast: egg in a basket cottage cheese and melon

Not a good day at all…. I was unmotivated… tired… AND I missed a deadline for falling asleep… I did manage to eat close to my goal of calories, as opposed to the two days before… I need to normalize my sleep, and I need to make my exercise more routine. I am still debating changing my policy of at the very least light cardio daily, since today I didnt go to the gym, and I am wondering if a break isnt a good idea.

Today I was horribly organized food wise and I ate at odd hours. Today for breakfast I had an egg in a basket (170 cal) , a serving of cottage cheese (90 Cal LB), and a slice of melon (35 cal). Then at dinner time I had ground beef   (704.8 cal), egg plant (66 cal), onion (35 cal), with Parmesan cheese  (110 cal). then later a slice of pumpkin pie I made at home (379 cal). For a total of: 1589.8. 

Eggplant ground beef and onion with Parmesan cheese

Pumpkin pie I made as a trial for Thanksgiving, Sacrificed the rest
to the hungry roommates

Mentally I feel very discouraged, and confused… I will elaborate on this more later… I think it  was mostly due to a bad sleeping pattern. (went to bed at 4, woke up at 8) fell asleep at 10am again… and then woke up, only to fall asleep YET again.

Edit: I actually didnt post this on the day of, so I cant really talk about my mental state from yesterday, I was discouraged and confused… so I will end it here.

cottage cheese and grilled Silver snapper

cottage cheese and melon slices

I found myself having problems getting work done, I have a deadline of sorts approaching and its getting to be more and more stressful as time ticks away. In addition to that I have been feeling very sore in my legs due to the workouts, but like I said in the previous post I cant stop working out, and If I intend to take a day off it must be light exercise. So like I said today I did light exercise… sort of… since I started on a Thursday, and I said I would add weight lifting and 50 oblique crunches while sitting in a roman chair, besides the 50 I have been doing since I started hitting the gym… it was a light exercise day sort of.

Old picture of same lunch meal

Today I started with a half a cup of cottage cheese (90cal says so on the label, LB), and two slices of melon  (46 calories). For lunch I had a protein shake which because I had to switch brands is now 1 scoop of the old 130 cal + 1 scoop of the new 190 (320 calories) Plus my cucumber salad (45 cal) with lemon juice (15 cal) (using old picture didnt take a picture today). Finally for dinner I had grilled silver snapper .515 pounds (299.4 cal) with 10 olives (40 cal LB) Along with, a cucumber lettuce salad  with lemon juice (31cal). For today’s total I had: 886.4 calories. (which assuming I am not underestimating grossly is TOO low.)

Rode the reclined bike, not a HUGE burn

Mentally I am a bit stressed, also I was trying to not overeat calorie wise like I did yesterday. So I tried to stay away from the fatty foods like bacon and eggs and went for more vegetarian choices. This would explain why I am actually as we are posting SO SO hungry. I need to find the happy medium. I decided not to eat because when I am stressed that is my first gut reaction, which I am trying to avoid. If I had known that I was consuming MUCH less calories than I intended to for today I would have definitely made myself something nice to eat. I will try to do the math earlier in the day so that I am sure I am consuming the proper amount of calories, and will not confuse my hunger for a stress induced desire to calm myself with food. I feel a bit silly. I will do better. As far as workout goals I would first like to be able to get to 350 calorie elliptical workout, but I have yet to decide how much I should increase my workouts or any other workout goals. Also, Note to self: go to market tomorrow and get some MORE veggies.

Grilled snapper and salad with my water

Still to be determined: Food breakdown (protein, carbs, etc), how much to amp up workouts week by week, work out goals

Egg in a basket and Beef strips

Eggs and bacon with grapefruit juice

I must say that I am pleased with how I am coming along. I stuck to my guns and went to purchase produce and fruits today. Unfortunately there wasnt as much produce as I would have liked but I got some cucumbers, eggplant, Lettuce, and a few slices of melon and watermelon. The one thing I am starting to struggle with is the gym, today I had NO interest in going but I went regardless. which I am proud of.

Today’s Eliptical stats

In the matter of food I think I did ok today (not bad not horrible). I had two eggs in a basket ( 70 Cal per egg/ 100 cal per slice of bread) = 340. To which I added four turkey bacon slices (35 cal/slice) =140 and a cup of diluted grapefruit juice for 100 cal. For lunch I had a two scoop protein shake (120 cal/scoop) = 240 with a cucumber salad which contained one whole cucumber and lemon juice  with lime pepper to taste = 60. Dinner was the other half of the stir fried beef and pepper 868 calories plus another cucumber salad 45 cal with lemon juice 15 cal  and lettuce (4 calories/half cup)to change it up a bit. Today’s total was: 1808 total calories. Since I was planning on consuming 1600 calories a day, today I went over by 200 calories. if I had not consumed the bacon and 1 egg this would have been adequate. A frustrating lesson for tomorrow.

Lunch: cucumber salad and protein shake

Mentally I think I wasnt tempted by anything today, if anything I am simply just getting a bit lazy. I gave the idea of a free day some thought, and since my sitting around all day has caused me to be in this condition, I think it right not to have a COMPLETELY free day. I do plan to add weights and maybe longer cardio sessions. So on those days I am taking it easy, ill, or otherwise incapacitated I will do a 30 min cardio workout. My first goal for this project is to lose 10 pounds. If the math is correct I should accomplish that in approximately 4 weeks (3 pounds a week give or take). As for the week starting on thursday, I will incorporate weights into the regimen. I will start with something small like two sets per muscle group. I will also divide up the body into 3 sections: Arms, chest/back, legs. I will continue to do situps daily, I plan to add another set of 50, but to work out the obliques NEXT week.

Cucumber and lettuce salad with Beef onion stir fry

Still to be determined: Food breakdown (protein, carbs, etc), how much to amp up workouts week by week, work out goals.

Yogurt and Beef strips

Today was what I suppose is becoming an average day. On the sleep front I went to bed earlier and woke up earlier, tho my energy level was low in the morning which forced me to caffeinate. I am pleased with my improvement on keeping up with this from day to day, tho there are still many changes to be made.

Banana Strawberry yogurt, breakfast of champions

Today’s food is broken down like this: about 8 oz of Banana Strawberry yogurt for breakfast for a total of 213.3 calories, I had 2/3 rd’s of a can of Monster so about 15 calories in that drink, for dinner I had stir fry which contained half a White onion so thats about 35 calories plus about half a pound of beef strips (16 oz) for about 883 calories.To wash my dinner down I accompanied my meal with a lovely diluted glass of grapefruit juice for approximately 100 calories. So today’s total is:1246.3. As stated my goal was 1600 calories, which I didn’t hit today (or I grossly underestimated the portions and I had closer to or a little over 1600).

Caffeine Boost

When considering my options of dinner, and what I consume. Its tough to simply make meals and always meet the caloric standards that I have established for myself. I Still have to break down my food intake into appropriate amounts of carbohydrates, protein, and fats. As of yet I am only counting calories and not taking the balance into effect. I do worry that eventually my workouts will be quite rigorous and without the proper nutrition not only will my workouts suffer, but I might hurt myself in the long run rather than lose weight successfully. With that goal in mind I am incorporating as of today a multivitamin (not pictured today). So that at the very least I will not be deficient in vitamins and minerals. Also I STILL need to get more veggies to increase the volume of fiber in my diet, which I WILL do tomorrow when the grocer comes in.

Today’s Elliptical total

Mentally today wasn’t a stressful day, like I said I am starting to get into the rhythm. I slept much better (approx 6 hrs) and on a better schedule. I need to consider my upcoming workload when considering stress and comfort eating. I also need to control how much sleep I get so I will aim for 7 hrs.

Beef and Onion stir fry

Diluted Grapefruit juice

Still to be determined: Free day, Food breakdown (protein, carbs, etc), day to rest, how much to amp up workouts, work out goals, first weight loss goal.